As a Licensed Marriage Therapist, I see couples on a daily basis who are presented with issues surrounding the devastating impact of adultery. Having a trained eye and ear along with the gift of discernment, I can instantly tell if the betrayer is remorseful and ready to change. It is readily seen in what is said and not said as well as what is done and not done after the exposure.
Statistics show that women engage in extramarital affairs almost as often as their male counterparts, but for the sake of this article I will address husbands as the betrayers. One, because there are good men who find themselves in extramarital affairs. Contrary to popular belief, not every man who has an affair is a dog or "no good". Two, there is a double standard about husbands versus wives cheating. Men are socialized to believe that having a mistress is not such a bad thing and in some cases it is ok or even expected. Women on the other hand, are viewed as home wreckers or "loose" when they have stepped outside their marriage. Three, men have difficulty expressing emotion particularly when it is associated with shame. Their pain in many respects is acted out instead of verbally expressed.
This article is not about the philanderer. It seeks to speak about men who are genuinely remorseful. This particular perspective is UNCOMMON because it depicts the pain of the adulterer. Most articles that address this subject matter focuses on the betrayed........the victim. I would never discredit the pain of someone experiencing something so devastating. Furthermore, this is not an attempt to justify any wrongdoing or to get readers to feel sorry for the husbands who have betrayed their wives. My desire is to capture the pain of husbands who are truly remorseful for their actions simply because I know that those men exist.
Years of conducting therapy sessions has allowed me to see that there are many dynamics that occur when someone decided to engage in an extramarital affair. Affairs don't start with, "Do you want to have sex?" It's starts with a conversation that goes on too long, a look that lasts too long, entertaining inappropriate jokes, inordinate amounts of time spent together at work, sharing information that is only reserved for your spouse, harmless flirting (there is no such thing), divulging too much information about your personal life, failing to address critical issues in your marriage, unresolved childhood issues, not setting clear and concise boundaries, telling lies to yourself so that you can continue to justify your behavior, the destructive belief of, "I won't let it get out of hand.....I can handle it", etc.
Let's think outside the box for a minute. Could it be that husbands who commit this offense are not only remorseful but in pain as well? What pain is that? The pain of letting his wife down...seeing the tears and disappointment in her eyes, hearing the sounds from her mouth that he didn't know existed, observing that her clothes don't fit anymore because she has no appetite, and the consistent bags and dark circles under her eyes because she has no appetite, and the consistent bags and dark circles under her eyes because she is now suffering from insomnia. The pain of letting God down and feeling like he no longer accepts of loves him. The pain of letting himself down because he now believes that he is not the integral person he has professed to be and feels like a hypocrite. The pain of realizing that he is not who people think he is and he feels like a fraud. The pain of intrusive thoughts that he may lose his family which means he is a failure. The pain of possibly never being forgiven because what he did was the unforgivable. The pain of his children no longer seeing him as their hero and clinging to their mother as a way to protect her from him. The pain of once being well respected in his profession and now losing the provision for his family since most affairs happen in the workplace. The list goes on and on.
I know. I know....."Those are the consequences of his behavior". And yes, that is correct. I have had clients who are and have been repeated offenders. However, I have also had clients who have been distraught and have not forgiven themselves for what they have done. Many of my clients who have done. Many f my clients who have done everything possible to do what they needed to do to restore their marriage have not been forgiven by their spouse.. Other have expressed to me that they feel guilty about being happy because although they have changed, their spouse is still experiencing the pain as if the offense has just occurred.
Once an affair has been exposed, the remorseful husband feels like a weight has been lifted because he is no longer being tormented by the painful secret. However, he does not understand the magnitude of what he has done. The weight that has been lifted off of him has now come crashing down on his wife. Ironically, his response to his wife's pain and need for answers appears to be arrogant, indignant, impatient, passive, aloof, and resistant to change. This is an illusion. The reality is that they really feel a lot of shame, fear, embarrassment, unworthiness, and anger towards themselves. With therapy, time, and a commitment to restoring his marriage, those offensive and insensitive reactions will eventually become a thing of the past.
Following are several ways it will manifest:
1) Husbands initially get defensive when asked questions that request details, questions they don't know the answers to, when they feel attacked or bombarded, and when they feel judged or are reminded of what a horrible person they are. With the right attitude and tools, defensiveness will change to transparency and full responsibility.
2) Husbands will not want to discuss their indiscretion in the beginning nor will they want to discuss it later. They would rather put it behind them and move on. However, they understand their wife's need for answers and the importance of open and honest communications which was likely a missing component in their marriage prior to the affair.
3) In many respects, husbands can't explain why they had the affair because they don't often know the answer themselves. However, as they learn more about themselves, their spouse, and their marriage they will able to obtain invaluable insight.
4) When an affair is exposed, husbands will do anything to get themselves out of the dog house even if they don't want to or it makes them feel controlled. When change has taken place they will do things because they want to and it will come from a pure place instead of obligation.
5) In a state of desperation, husbands say things t convince their wives that they will never again betray their trust. This is confirmed and trust starts to be reestablished when there is less talking and more proving through consistent and persistent action.
6) A passive approach is often taken by the husbands in the initial stages of the exposure. They don't know what to do so they do nothing at all. This passivity turns into proactivity and they begin to do things like contacting a marriage therapist, eliciting an accountability partner, or talking to other couples who have successfully worked through their own infidelity.
7) Prior to affairs, husbands are not always aware of their own vulnerabilities and how quickly things can get out of control. As they are more deliberate and intentional in addressing their issues, they will become more self-aware and other-aware.
8) Husbands will initially believe that they are "cured" even before receiving the necessary help. Translation: He thinks he can handle it simply because he told himself along with his wife that he is good and so is their marriage. he eventually realizes that he can't handle it and learns how to safeguard himself and his marriage.
9) There is a lot of shame that remorseful husbands experience when they have betrayed their wives. They often fell they don't deserve to be forgiven but they desperately want to be. Not only will he learn to forgive himself but he begin to see himself as a good person in spite of his indiscretion.
My hope is that you as a reader are able to see a different perspective about extramarital affairs and the pain of the adulterer. This is particularly essential to those in my line of work who treat this population and are trained and expected to be fair and unbiased.