A few years ago someone near and dear to my heart loss a child via miscarriage. At the time, she had two children. Her husband did not have any children and believed he never would because at the ripe age of 50 he had never gotten a woman pregnant. I want to share with you the following dialogue I had with this family member. Let me preface this by saying that I checked on her first to see how she was coping. This dialogue is what followed:
Me: So how is your husband doing.....I want to make sure I checked on him too.
Her: Thanks so much for asking about him because no one has been concerned about him and he questioned why that was the case. He is hurt not only because he loss his baby but because no one cared enough to check on him (paraphrase).
Me: Please let him know I asked about him.........
Last year a family member (dear to my heart), passed away. At the time, her mother was also diagnosed with cancer and undergoing chemo. She was showered with calls, text messages, visits, affection, gifts, Facebook posts that took days to read, and the like. She never went to any doctors’ appointments alone and family and friends fought over her about who was going to take her to appointments simply because they wanted to be a part of her journey to recovery. I was so happy she had this support because she needed it and deserved it. However, her husband did not receive that same attention. He didn’t have a quarter of the Facebook posts she had, there weren’t several people checking on him and when they did it was because they were in his presence when others came to see his wife. Knowing this, I called him and told him what I had observed. Not to sow discord or resentment but as a way to acknowledge the pain he was experiencing as well. He also observed the same thing and expressed his grief of losing his daughter.
This subject matter is uncommon because it highlights the importance of also caring for and checking on fathers who are grieving the death of a child. As a parent myself, I understand that the bond between a mother and her child starts in the womb and that bond is strong. Nonetheless, that does not mean that the father loves his child any less. Often times the father puts up a strong front so that his wife and other children are not burdened with his pain. He feels helpless because this isn’t something he can fix. He cares for and supports his family outwardly, but struggles with the pain silently and privately.
Grieving is a grueling but necessary process. However, fathers often don’t know how to grieve or not given permission to grieve. No....they aren’t told they can’t grieve, but men are socialized to be strong and crying can be seen as a weakness. On the other hand, women are allowed to express the full gamut of emotions and have the support system to pick up the pieces. Because he is not given the same freedom (rather imagined or reality), this gives others the impression that the father is ok.
So let me paint a picture for you. He didn’t carry the child. Society says he can’t express his devastation in the way he actually feels it. He doesn’t know how to communicate what he is feeling because he has not been taught how to express feelings that make him vulnerable. He doesn’t want to let his family see him sad because he doesn’t want to make them more sad. He hasn’t built a support system because his friendships are with men who wouldn’t touch the subject with a ten foot pole. The extent of their conversation is, “I’m sorry to hear about your loss” and then they stay away from the subject (and him) as if it is the plague.
Fathers feel the pain just like mothers and in some cases more. Men are conditioned to fix things and to be a protector of their families. When they are not able to do those things, they are left feeling like a failure because they are no longer the hero.
So how can we as therapists, family, and friends be there not only for mothers who have loss a child but fathers as well? It’s important to know that the real grieving starts after the funeral....he needs you more then.
Give fathers permission to grieve. What does that look like? Create a safe place for him to talk and express freely. Invite him to participate in physical activities as a way to buffer the stress. Encourage him to talk about his child but do more listening then talking. Do not tell him the “go-to” responses......”they are in a better place, don’t take it so hard, be strong, I understand how you feel” (unless you have experienced it yourself). Be especially attentive on Father’s Day. Ask what he needs. He may not want to spend an enormous time talking about his loss, but your presence can make all the difference in the world.
Therapists, be cognitive to symptoms of depression, anxiety, insomnia, suicidal/homicidal ideations, isolation, and substance abuse issues. Normalize his grief. Explore his feelings of helplessness. Help him to process the roller coaster of emotions so he doesn’t feel like he is going crazy. Challenge the thought that men shouldn’t cry and teach him that it is not only ok but that it is necessary and healthy for him to allow himself to grieve.
Let’s not forget about grieving fathers. DO THE SAME THINGS YOU WOULD DO FOR A GRIEVING MOTHER.